Comfort food - tuna casserole

1c. Veg. 

1t. Oil or solid fat

2T. Flour*

2T. Butter or solid fat of choice 

1/2c. Coconut milk

1/2c. Non-dairy milk

1t. Your favourite seasoning (I used s&p, garlic and thyme)

3 servings 'bouillon' - I used vegetarian 'better than bouillon no chicken base'

1/2c. Mayonnaise

1c. Non-dairy milk

2 cans tuna, drained

1c. Peas (optional)

1/4c. Parmesan (optional)

2c. Fusilli or rotini pasta

1/2-3/4c shredded cheese

1) Preheat oven to 375°. Chop your veg into small pieces (pea sized or smaller). I used 1/2c. onion & 1/2 c. celery, but mushrooms would be great, too. Find the blend that makes your mouth and tummy happy.

2) sauté your veg of choice in your choice of oil or solid fat. Set aside.

3) set a small pot on low and let it heat up a bit. Then add solid fat and heat gently until almost completely melted. Add the flour, whisking constantly (I use a flat whisk that gets in the corners of my pot). Cook until it turns a very light golden beige colour.

4) while continuing to whisk constantly, begin to add the milk. The key is patience. Add a little at a time whisking constantly so there are no lumps. (If you like coconut milk, you can use a whole cup instead of 1/2c of another milk) Your concoction should be thick, like thick gravy. Add the bouillon until combined. Add the veg, mix it up and set aside.

5) in a large bowl, combine the mayo, 1c.  milk, optional ingredients and tuna. It should be a nice thick soupy mess. Add the dry pasta and gently fold in until all the pasta is covered in goo.

6) Spoon into a greased casserole pan. Sprinkle with cheese if desired, covering the top evenly.

7) Bake for 35-40 min. Let stand at least 5-10 min. before digging in.

* I used GF Namasté Perfect Flour Blend. It needs to have some starch flour and xanthan gum.

Thursday ... February 25th?

I've lost track of time. I have narrowed my mental scope to what must be done today, this morning, this minute.

Being sick is never fun, and for me it brings the unique opportunity to listen in on my self talk, and when I am ready, to start telling a different story. I tend to rush through the "I'm sick" part of my story, without truly listening into what my body is telling me.

'Slow down', She says.

'Take care of your body', She says.

'Yes, yes. I know, I know. It's just that I don't have time to do ---- right now.' I say, callously brushing aside my body's request.

Now, I know that I play a part in the situation I am in right now. In fact, it is all coming from my allowing. I have allowed external expectations to take precedence over my intuition. But by saying that, I am not making a judgment on myself. I acknowledge it, because I can use it to turn the tides. I can allow myself to listen to My Essence. 

I am listening intuitively to my body and practicing sorting through the external cues telling me what I "should" do (everything from 'take this sick day to get stuff done around the house' to 'call the doctor, because this could be the early stages of some mortal disease, and I'll feel like an idiot if I don't take action right away'), to the small but sure voice that says 'slow down, clear your mind and listen with your heart, not your head' and then 'love yourself in this moment'.

I acknowledge that voice. It is my True Self, my Essence, my inner Warrior Goddess. I acknowledge that I am worthy of self care. I can take time to rest and heal, and I know in my heart that my body knows how to heal. It's talking now, quietly, saying:

'Yes' to meditation

'Yes' to mobility and gentle movement.

'Yes' to a soothing bath and fresh water.

There might even be a nap in my future. I'll keep listening.

February 21-22,2015

For a long time I have had a beautiful relationship on stage making music. Since the events of two years ago and the band's break up and reforming, it has brought a new perspective to my life. I truly love making music, and I want to keep doing so as much as I can, but I want to develop my teaching side as well. The new band structure is helping me transition into a more public figure, and is challenging me to be authentic in who I am. It is all tied into who I am and what I want to be in the story of my life.

I've started a list of my personal mantras that help me through tough times or moments when I am trying to get my grounding and perspective in turbulent times:

1) Foster a curiosity about life. Along the same lines: Turn your worry into wonder.

2) Develop a generous heart.

3) The reflection by which we measure ourselves tends to be the measure by which we judge the experiences and people in our lives. The kinder and more supportive we can be with ourselves, the more we can bring that to the people around us.

4) Whatever you are doing, commit your whole self to it in the moment.

5) I have all the wisdom within me to know what I need right now.

All that said, today I feel like I'm tumbling. I'm having some physical issues that are new to me. I've tried explaining it away to the point I've driven myself to Web.MD to try and diagnose myself with everything from menopause to gonnorrhea to M.S. I don't know how to pinpoint it, so I keep aiming my 'wellness shotgun' at the problem...

Among other ailments, I have some kind of skin infection on various parts of my body, which add to my restless misery (oh the drama!!) My left ear is one and is a good gauge for how miserable I feel right now.

January 20,2016

I have a 12 hour day today. 

Whoa.

For some people this is a regular occurrence. There was a time when I was willing to make long days like this a regular practice, but it became evident that my health and well-being would suffer. I'm in a place in my life now where I don't feel the need to push like I used to. However, in this growing phase of my business and in this role as a coach and guide, I recognize there are times when long days are required. So I counterbalance with as much self care as possible.

I've been spending time each evening reviewing my tasks for the coming day, and preparing anything needed to help me get through the next day. I took time on my weekend to prepare a delicious and gigantic kale salad. I can now use that salad as a base, adding my protein source to it as needed or desired for each day. I aim to make one large meal, with enough left over that I have something nutritious and delicious to grab from the fridge at any given time. Just like anything else in my life right now, it is a daily practice and I need to actively practice each day.

I woke up at 6 AM and know that I need to be fully prepared and ready to head out the door by 8 AM. So what do I do with those two hours? Well, I meditated for about 15 or 20 minutes, and I am writing this blog as I simultaneously prepare a small batch of quinoa and rice breakfast cereal. I use this both as breakfast cereal, as well as an evening snack by adding strawberries or fresh apple pulp/sauce. 

In cereal form, I add a couple eggs, some stevia and vanilla and make a protein packed concoction.

Next, I will make a smoothie/green juice, put together a lunch from the items I have prepared over the last couple of days that are waiting for me in my fridge, and take a very quick shower.

Kale salad topped with 1/4 avocado, a diced chicken thigh from last night's dinner, a handful of chickpeas and topped with garlic dressing made with homemade mayo.

And off I go! 

Did you know fresh purple kale smells just like roses to me?

January 17, 2016, part 2

Tonight I felt compelled to make pork. I've skimmed Alisa Vitti's book, "Woman Code" and this is a good time in my cycle to eat pork. So, I stopped in at the local grocery store to get a pork tenderloin.

We also have a plethora of mushrooms and I am not wasting mushrooms rights now, so my dear hubby gets to have the creamy mushroom soup all to himself (which is why you see his soup in a bread bowl). I would eat this at another time when I'm not cleansing, and trade yukons for the russets.

The tenderloin was simple and quick. One thing I've been using in my cookin regularly are salt/herb mixes. 

This is one of my favourite ones I'm using a lot right now. It's a 'Mexican Blend' with Himalayan salt, red pepper and I think oregano and a couple other ingredients. I bought it at a local arts mall at the holidays (Allied Arts here in Bellingham). 

Trader Joes has several mixes both in a grinder as well as in a shaker.

Simple Tenderloin Roast

2-2 1/2 lbs tenderloins
1-2 Tbs. Cider vinegar
3 medium to large cloves of garlic
1 T. Whole mustard seed
Spicy salt and pepper grinder

Preheat oven to 375F
Prep the tenderloins by tying it up and generously sprinkling with salt and pepper. Peel and cut garlic cloves in large chunks and shove between the tenderloins.
Take the third garlic clove and press it into 1t. Olive oil. Add vinegar and mustard seeds and mix thoroughly. Maybe crush a few seeds while you're at it. Slather on the top of the roast, which will become the bottom as you put it in the pan.
In a cast iron pan, heat up a tsp. oil of choice (bacon grease would be the logical choice) and place tenderloins starting mustard side down and sear the outside of the tenderloin.
All seared? Pop it in the oven for about 35-45 min, or when the center reaches 145F.

Simple Mushroom Potato soup

1/2 lg onion, chopped
1t. olive oil
1Tbs. butter
3 c. fresh mushrooms, sliced and/or chopped in large chunks
1 lg. russet potato, diced/sliced in 1" pcs.
1/2 t. salt
3-4 c. broth

Heat 1T. olive oil in a 2 qt. soup pot on low. Let it warm just a bit. Add chopped onion. let it sweat and start to cook on the edges. Add butter til melted, then add mushrooms and stir. Sauté on low to medium for about 7 minutes, or until the mushrooms start to deepen in color and wilt a bit. Add potatoes and stir around. Add broth (my broth was vegetable broth made from frozen veggie scraps along with about a 1/2 c. leftover marinaded artichoke juice from breakfast). Err on the side of less liquid vs. more. You can always add liquid if it's too thick, but it gets tricky when it's too thin.

Cover and let simmer about 20 minutes, or until potatoes are soft. I use an immersion blender, but you can use the blender method, just be careful about exploding hot liquid in a blender - use the lowest setting. Add extra liquid if it's too thick, but be careful not to add too much. The soup will thicken a bit as it cools, too.

January 17, 2015

I am an artist, This is my brush

I am a warrior, This is my weapon

I am creator and destroyer.

Standing over my fire, I sense urgency. Prepare for battle! Prepare for ecstasy!

This is my altar. 

What I create, I offer to the Highest Good. 

A toast to sustenance and joy and a little ecstasy if you're looking for it.

January 14, 2016

Beef and Broccoli Stir Fry

I don't always plan my dinners so much as think of what ingredients I have and let the recipe reveal itself to me. And then I decide if it's worth the effort and adjust accordingly.

I had planned something more structured, but tonight was one of those true magick nights where I just went on intuition and impulse.

1/2 lb of flat iron steak 

Sriracha

Coconut aminos

Olive oil

2 garlic cloves

1/2 lg. Shallots

Red pepper

Coconut oil

2 heads broccoli

Salt 

Mexican salt spice mix

random veggie broth or beef broth you have in the fridge/cupboard.

2-ish tsp. Sesame seeds

2-ish tsp. Sesame oil 

Throw steak on a plate and slather each side with about 2Tbsp. Sriracha and a few shakes of coconut aminos. Let it sit while you cut up the veg. Get your garlic press ready. 

When you feel like the meat's marinated enough, or you're hungry and you're ready to cook, turn the burner on and let the pan heat up. Slice the meat up and put some olive oil in the pan.

I like to watch the oil start to shimmer in the pan and roll it around so there's a nice even coating on the pan.

Throw the beef in and watch it sizzle. 

Stand in awe of this glorious display of chemistry as you toss the beef around the pan and let it sear a bit. 

Towards the end of the searing, squish one garlic clove in and stir it up, yum.

Add some salt and watch it dissolve on the pan.

Set the meat aside and get ready for round two! Scrape as much of the garlic and meat bits out, but don't waste too much time scraping the pan clean. Put a teaspoon or so of coconut oil in the pan and again, watch it melt (yes, stand there and enjoy some more awesome displays of science/magick). Swirl to coat the pan and start adding veggies.

Add the juicy ones first - red pepper and shallot. Stir and toss for about 5 minutes (I rarely time myself but the color wil start to mellow and the veg will soften). 

Add some more salt. I have some delicious salt and hot pepper and herb mix in this grinder.

Add the broccoli on top. Hopefully you cut them into smallish florets so they cook relatively quickly. I peeled and matchstick sliced the broccoli stalks and threw them on last, just as the broccoli started to turn bright green. 

Stir and cook. Here's where I added some veggie broth because I wanted it a little juicier. I could have added the can of diced tomatoes I have had randomly sitting on my counter for the last several days, but the veggie broth was calling.

Finish with the sesame seeds and oil. Serve over rice or just eat it up.

Day One - I survived!

First day anxiety is a real thing for me. It has prevented me from starting several projects or goals in the past, but I am learning to embrace my fear and step out of my comfort box little bits at a time.

I am approaching my training the same way. My first conscious thought is what my day will bring me. If I start to feel overwhelmed, I just remember: It's one day. I've already planned for it, and hopefully I did some preparation the night before. I just have to roll out of bed and do what I agreed to do according to the plan I set out the night before. Past Me has made sure everything is set out and ready to go for the day. Which is another challenge. I tend to flake out in the evening pretty early, which if I don't prepare for my next day, gets my morning off to a rocky start. So it all starts in the evening. 

Last night I planned my day out. I knew I'd be going to cycling class and then straight to work, so I had to really be on top of it. I spent about 30 minutes getting ready here's my quick and dirty check-list:

• Finalize my menu and my schedule - For more strategies on developing a good habit of pre-planning, check out www.MonaPlanner.com There are also lots of great menu-planning resources out there.
• Put my food in serving sized containers - Check out BeachBody's 21 Day Fix for a reminder of portion size and more strategies to help eat a well rounded menu.
• Picked out my clothes for my workout - set on the bathroom counter where I can't miss 'em and I don't have to turn the bedroom light on
• Packed my clothes for work in a bag and set them in my 'staging area' next to my purse
• Made sure all my smoothie and coffee making items were clean and ready
• Set my heart rate belt and my phone out to charge
• Set my alarm for the appropriate time (usually 5:30am)

I am proud to say I managed to get out of the house on time having meditated, made coffee and my smoothie. I grabbed my pre-packed clothes and my lunch bag and off I went.

Now, it's almost time for bed, and I've accomplished almost everything on my to do list. I'm feeling pretty good - just a few last things left to do before bed and I checked more off my list than I left on, so I'm calling today a success.

2016 - winter training plan

I'm training my mind body and spirit this season. Training includes:

1) Efforting meditation every morning - I have a very specific order of events here so it becomes unconscious: get out of bed, pee, come downstairs, Toss down a cup of cool water with my probiotic, make a hot cup of water with two or three drops of dōTERRA wild orange, go sit in my meditation spot and get right to it. 

2) Mobility: after sitting in meditation for 10-20 minutes, I am ready to start moving. Those in the CST world would recognize my list of movements, but generally, I focus on Breathing with my movement for about 20 minutes.

3) Starting Monday I get right to my training plan. I'll be using the 4-day training wave with the focus that I must keep my heart rate in the appropriate zone no matter what I am doing. My primary goal here is to have my heart rate strap and my phone ready. I'll be rotating Clubbell Yoga with Flowfit and Clubbell Athletics. More on this in another post.

4) Drink my smoothie immediately after training! Why do I always wait so long?)

4) Prepare food each day. - I have a rotating list of simple dishes when I'm working to detox like I will be these first two weeks. I keep the menu simple, light and frequent. I double most recipes for plenty of leftovers, and make sure I have a good mix of veggie dishes and fruit 'desserts' and toss meat in with the veg from time to time. I like having a hash dish I can eat for breakfast, and a big hunk of steel cut oats. 

5) Do something for me each day. This could be taking a bath, reading something inspiring, spending time knitting/crocheting, writing. 

6) Have a meaningful interaction with someone. Some days it's just my husband, some days it's dozens of people (or even hundreds if I'm on stage) I interact with throughout the day. This sometimes is all I need to feel like I've had a successful day.

Life goes on and I also intend to remain flexible and present in the moment. 

Today and tomorrow I am taking the last of the 'me time' to prepare food and finish writing out my goals and decorate for the holidays. 

Ginger Curry soup

This afternoon, I finally got an hour alone in the kitchen to cook. This is one of my favourite flavors of autumn.

1 T. Olive oil

1-2 yellow onions

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 t. (?) Fresh ginger

1 1/2 t. Hot yellow curry powder (Muchi)

1t. Salt

4c. Broth/stock 

1T. Honey

Chop your onion and mince your garlic now, but don't mix them up. Now, coat the bottom of the pot with about 1T. Olive oil. Turn heat on low and wait until the olive oil starts to shimmer. Toss the onions in, stir them around and let them soak up the olive oil. Stir every 1/2 minute or so for the next 5 minutes, to gently sautée the onions. While this is going you can tackle the butternut squash however you need to get about 1" chunks of peeled squash. 

I have a serrated veggie peeler as well as a smooth peeler. I used both today...

Peel the carrots and chop into 1" chunks.

At some point, I turned off the stove and threw the garlic in to soak while I finished chopping. If you don't need to, just give the garlic a minute or so to heat through, but not to get browned (it happens fast). 

Grate the ginger and stir it in with the curry and salt until all the onion is well coated. Add the cut up orange veg. Add the water/stock. I didn't have any stock handy so I used Better Than Bouillon.

Cover and simmer 20 minutes, then take the lid off and let it heat up the house and thicken a bit. 

I have an immersion blender, but if you don't, you can use a blender but do very small batches and let the soup cool for a while (30+ min) before scooping into the blender.

I topped my bowl with a dollop of sour cream.

Deeelish!!

Spinal Twists

You don’t have to be an advanced yogi to reap the benefits of a practice that includes some spinal yaw. Besides the more obvious flexibility one gains, there are several other benefits, such as:

• Increased circulation
• Improved digestive function
• Strengthens the back to help reduce back pain caused by daily activities such as sitting for long periods
• Opening chest, shoulders and back helps release tension and increase feelings of relaxation

 Access the above benefits with any of these poses:

Twisted Lunge-clubbell in torch; Shinbox w/arm thread; Down dog w/cross-bind; Seated spinal twist w/straight leg & knee bind

This picture shows only a few different ways we can access these benefits through a practice that incorporates ‘yaw’ or spinal rotation, but there are more. 

It doesn't have to be complicated. Take a moment to reconnect with your breath and release tension in your spine in a simple spinal twist at your desk.

Sit straight and tall in your seat, evenly balanced on your sit bones, breathe in and get tall, as if someone were pulling the crown of your head up with an imaginary string. Exhale and rotate shoulders, drawing your shoulder blade down your back towards the opposite hip. grasp the back of your chair for support but don't pull yourself beyond where your body can take you on its own. Expand into the pose with each inhale, deepen into the twist one the exhale. When you are ready to switch sides, unwind on the exhale.

Try adding one or two to your day and notice the benefits of released stress, improved digestion and a stronger spine.

Slainté Mhath,* (*Gaelic for "To your good health")

Roxanne Sailors

Clubbell Yoga and Clubbell Athletics Coach

Musician-Maggie’s Fury

Toleak and a look back at Summer 2015

 Toleak Point is on the coast of Washington State, about .....

In my transformative year last year (my "Chariot" year, in Tarot), I experienced a very painful and deep loss of and unravelling family/friend relationship. By the time my first  Toleak Point backpacking experience came upon me, I was raw and exposed and desperate for renewal. Having never experienced a long backcountry hike like this one, Everything was new and fascinating and challenging and unexpected, mainly because I went in with no expectation.

This year, (my "strength" year in Tarot), that wound has begun the process of healing. This was also my second  Toleak Point backpacking experience, and I understood the physical challenges of such an excursion. As with any repeat experience, there is as much to compare with similarity as there are differences in each experience.

This year I came to Toleak feeling stronger, more grounded, having practiced setting my personal boundaries that were so thoroughly dismantled from my loss last year. I spent most of my waking moments practicing being in the present moment. This is what Tokeak means to me. I woke when I became aware of my surroundings, and got up when my body bid me to rise. I ate when I was hungry, and moved when I felt the urge to.

One of the beauties of extended "recreation" is that there is always something to do, but very little that must be done. Having the time and space to return to listening to my own intuition, my own body's requests and taking the time to fully explore each moment without agenda or time constraints is a rare gift. To be able to do it amongst a tribe of like-minded people expands the experience from a personal one to a process of building community. Each of us is able bodied, and I believe we all came prepared, but the opportunity to share our experience, our knowledge and our resources deepened our tribal bonds, and created a sense of peace and safety in the middle of the wilderness.

This sacred and safe space and community provided the opportunity for each of us to explore our own inner journey, and reclaim something we were missing, or had lost touch with. For some, it was a silent solo journey. For others, it was an opportunity to be held in love and comfort as they fell apart and released that which no longer served them.

There will be other posts for me to share some of the more playful and outward/observable moments we experienced at Toleak, but for me, Toleak is different from other adventures in that the opportunity to set up our tribal village and practice being a tribal community is highlighted. 

Just like each of us in the tribe, Toleak remains similar over the years, and yet each time we return it is undeniably changed. 

For me, having had a year to heal from my emotional scars of last summer, I see how far I've come, but the scars are still fresh and still hold me back from time to time in my relationships with others. Being able to take the time out of my day to day life, I am better able to hear that still small voice inside me, once the clatter, chaos and rush of modern civilization is removed. 

I recall one morning, as my love and I made the half mile journey around the point, over the log jam, and waded through the stream to get to some clear water to filter for the day, I felt the shift away from my civilized mind and into my human animal mind. No longer was I consciously focusing on correct body movement, and my outward appearance. It was like somebody turned off the glaring light of civilized expectation, and I was blessedly moving in the dark, using proprioception and inner cues to move my body fluidly from log to log, focusing on my place in space, rather than the gaping abyss below each log. I trusted my body's cues. It's so very difficult to find the words to explain this shift, but it was very clear to me, that I was "humaning". I was experiencing the full expression of my whole Self. My civilized shell was gone. And I wasn't rude, or bad, or wrong. I just was. I was be-ing. 

Later, my husband and I had this exchange:

E: "you are clearly in your happy place"

R: "what do you mean?"

E: "I see your light shining through clearer now than at home. You are at peace"

Well, it went something like that. The point I took from it was to remember that feeling. Seek that out in my daily life, and make that my anchor point. When I get too far from that sense of calm and sense of true Self, it's time to return to nature - my happy place - and find my center.

Paleo Mini mocha muffins

• 
  
  
  
  Today is Father's Day, and in honour of the fathers I am spending my day with (every one of them has diabetes), I made this high fiber, lower sugar mocha mini cupcakes. The original recipe (found on paleoomg: http://paleomg.com/double-chocolate-almond-espresso-muffins/) looked amazing, but as usual for me, contained ingredients I either didn't have on hand or didn't feel like using. I also don't like using my precious nut butters in recipes unless absolutely necessary. So, here's my version - good enough for my mother and sister in law to request extras!
  
  
• 2 eggs
• 2 T. Flax meal mixed w/2 T. Hot water
• 2 T. Coconut oil
• 1/4 c. maple syrup
• 1 1/2 t. vanilla extract
• 3/4 c. Almond meal
• 1/2 c. cocoa powder
• 1/4 c. coconut flour
• 1 t. Finely ground or instant coffee
• 1/2 t. baking soda
• 1/2 t. baking powder
• 1/8 t. cinnamon
• 1/8 t. salt
• ½ cup Enjoy Life Mini Chocolate Chips

All ingredients assembled:

Preheat oven to 350. Whisk the flax meal with the hot water and let sit. Melt coconut oil just barely in a large bowl.  Whisk in maple syrup and vanilla. Add the egg and flax meal and whisk or beat with egg beaters until smooth.

Mix all the dry ingredients together. I sifted them to get all the cocoa chunks broken up. 

You can see I didn't melt the coconut oil. I recommend you do:

Mix he wet with the dry. Line muffin tins and then fill with chocolaty goodness. You can sprinkle with more mini chips if you have leftovers (I didn't). Cook for 12 min, then remove to cool on wire rack. 

Clubbell Yoga Cues Deepen My Practice

There are a couple comments I get from people when I explain that I am a clubbell yoga instructor. The first is usually 'what is clubbell yoga?' The second, is something like 'I don't like yoga because it's too slow' or 'I can't get past all the flowery talk in classes'. And some of the more 'eastern philosophy ' verbiage (i.e.: referencing chakras or the use of chanting) can be a hindrance to some with specific religious beliefs. As a yoga practitioner for the last 20 years, I totally get it - those two things were a challenge for me, and in many ways, contributed to my disenchantment over the last several years.

I find the clubbell yoga cues I have learned and that I bring into my teaching style to make much more sense to me. I love metaphors and similes, and I do use them, but clear instructions on which muscles to fire and exact body positioning help me to remain grounded and mentally connected to my body. This kind of body awareness is compounded with the use of a clubbell. The clubbell helps to find that 'ideal' body position by providing resistance throughout the movements as well as the static holds. For example, rather than just having my hands hanging there in warrior II, with a clubbell in hand I can feel how my lats should be flaring to pack my shoulders (I never understood that concept before clubbells, but I pack my shoulders immediately now, even without the clubbell in hand).

This kind of immediate bio-feedback, along with a focus on timing my breath with each movement ultimately has helped me to find my flow in a deeply profound way. Clubbell yoga has become my favourite way of connecting my mind, my spirit AND my body in a synergistic flow that leaves me feeling grounded, clear and alert.

Spring Challenge - Feel Your Fear and do it Anyway

I'm sure you have all seen the 'Winter Challenge' that was going around last month (at least in my hometown of Bellingham). My dear friend decided on the last day of winter, to revamp it as she 'called out' her friends' names to challenge them with her version of the challenge. She made a beautiful speech and the ultimate take-away is the title of this blog post. And do it within 24-48 hours. I was one of the 'lucky' ones called, and I floundered with it for a bit. Eventually something sort-of percolated that resonated with all I've been dealing with over the last several months:

How is my attitude about my body holding me back from other parts of my life?

I have always wanted to do a photo shoot to 'show off' my muscles and my overall fitness, but I always said I would do it after I attained some arbitrary weight or shape goal, as if taking the photos was the reward. What I am finding is that it was the thing that was distracting me from goal. My goal is to move pain free, with synergy between mind, body and spirit. Well guess what, pictures don't do shit for getting me there. Neither does waiting to be proud of my physical image until some event in the future. All I have seen in photos of myself is an indelible image of failure to achieve what I think I should look like. I could write a lot more on this subject, but my point I need to make RIGHT NOW, is that RIGHT NOW is when we are living. NOW. So I need to get right with my body RIGHT NOW or I will never move forward. So I'm a couple days late on my challenge project, because that was a lot to digest in 48 hours.

My dear friend, and challenger of this project, came over today and we talked through my pictures a bit. It felt horrible, and also releasing - to hear myself berate the woman on the screen, even if half of what I was saying was in my head because I am ashamed to say those horrible things out loud. I would NEVER do that to other people, or if I did, I would certainly make my words positive and empowering. The words and feelings that came up as I looked at those pictures of myself were angry, sharp, bitter and demeaning and it made me feel sad, small, dark, cloying, and like I was suffocating. It sucked me under into an OLD cycle of self loathing. I say OLD cycle because I am releasing that cycle. It doesn't serve me or my purpose and mission in life.

My work is not done there, but I have already come so far. So today, I will talk about what I absolutely love about these pictures I selected.

Yogi: The philosophy of yoga has been my spiritual guidance system for many many years. It has only been in the last six months that my yogic practice has brought a glimpse of the nirvana I have only experienced unintentionally in the past. I'm learning to create my flow experience and unite my mind, body and spirit on a consistent basis, starting with clubbell yoga, primal human movement and kettlebell zen. Deepest gratitude to my teachers and guides, both in this world and the other(s). I hope you know who you are.

And from the actual photo, I love that you can see my determination and focus in my gaze, the flare of my wet and muddy toes, and the twisting deathgrip I have on my clubbell, my focal point in my meditation.

Balance & Strength: These are concepts I've been working actively to incorporate into my life. This is also a pose that eluded me for many many years. I was first coached to a successful crow in a yoga class about 3 years ago, led by my first real yoga facilitator (teaching by inspiring) and heart sister. Shortly after that success, I stepped away from yoga for personal reasons, mostly because I was not prepared for the awful feelings of not deserving my success that came up for me. NOW, I see this photo and realize how simple this pose is once I remember how to be completely in my body and 'feel the plumb line' around which my balance circles.

From the photo, I see my blessed tattoo that represents deep connections to my children, and to the spirituality that I found as a mother. And it's beautifully positioned over my bulging deltoid, for which I have worked tirelessly to strengthen and shape.

Hanging Goddess:  I once had a necklace that looked like this, so naturally this one reminds me of the goddess within me that I owe all love and respect to. If that description doesn't resonate with you, consider it the God-spark, Holy Spirit. Or imagine I am ripe fruit (or a beautiful flower) blossoming beautifully in and with nature. 

From an aesthetic standpoint, my form is good: legs zipped, toes pointed, lats flared, skin shimmering and bronzed (good thing I went tanning and used my sparkly lotion! I'll have to remember that for next time!)

Laughter: I don't know when I stopped laughing with abandon, but I suspect it was early on in my childhood. Certainly by the time I reached college. 'I put away my childhood toys and became a (wo)man' to paraphrase an ancient, religious text. I have lived my life in fear of being too happy - that I don't deserve it.

I call bullshit. Everyone has the RIGHT and the RESPONSIBILITY to seek true happiness and love. I am entitled to it, and it's right here for me to access at any time. All I have to do is reach for that feeling of love, lightness of being and connectedness.

I am safe. I am loved. All is well.

My Journey to Clubbell Yoga

As a child, I experimented in several sports, from softball, to gymnastics, to track - until at the age of about 12 or 13, I settled on volleyball. I played volleyball for a few months during the begining of the school year, and played frequently with my youth group in the spring/summer. I was also very involved in the music program (I have deep roots in music). I don't remember exactly when the shift happened, but there came a time when I began really searching for my identity within my changing body.

At the same time, I succombed to the all-too-common issue of body dysmorphia, fueled by my interpretation of my mother's perception of her body (the mother-daughter bond was deep and complicated in my early years). I was reaching for that element of loving my physical Self but had few tools or examples available to me.

I remember getting turned on to the early morning program,  'The 20 Minute Workout', a quintessential 80's exercise show. I loved being able to start my morning with physical activity - waking up my mind and body at the same tempo, uniting them first thing in the morning to carry me through my day. It didn't hold my interest for too long, but I would inevitably come back to it from time to time throughout my teenage years. I also tried Richard Simmons - I loved his inclusive "you can do it" attitude - as well as one of the first Jane Fonda videos.

Fueled by access to this new way of being active, I continued my journey, taking a few step-aerobic classes but mainly buying more videos and eventually landing on a couple yoga videos that really sparked something more in me. There was a video by Rodney Yee (It may have been called Power Yoga) and another, led by Eric Schiffman and promoted by Ali MacGraw. These two videos, and a handful of others published under the Gaiam umbrella, supported and propelled me through some of the toughest times in my life. I remember coming back to them each time, as I worked through all the major life lessons I was experiencing. But each time, there would come a point where I would start going deeper than I felt I could handle, and the practice became a challenge rather than a blessing in my mind, and I would back away for a while until the thought of yoga became "new" again.

At some point about 10 years ago, a dear sister-friend of mine began her journey to become a yoga teacher. She encouraged a group of us to go to a yoga class with her, so for the first time, I experienced group yoga. It was definitely a different aspect of the yoga practice. There were things I really loved about it, but I found other elements bringing up feelings of frustration and anger. At the time, I didn't have the tools or knowledge to deal with my emotions, and after attending her classes regularly for a few years, I slowly found those challenges coming up and those unpleasant feelings would tap my shoulder at every practice. I started missing classes and about two and a half years ago, I very quietly slipped away from yoga.

I spent the next 2 years diving into weight training. I met and hired a personal trainer, my nutrition was getting 'dialed in' and I was fascinated with my personal trainer's experience in bodybuilding and fitness competing. I loved the fact that I was becoming physically stronger and finding there were things I hadn't been able to do since my teens. I felt and looked better than I had in my entire life! The doors were opening up for me to step into my own Self, into my innate Power. And I felt there was more out there. Like the Fool beginning his Tarot journey, I was filled with hope and naivete ...

I began meeting with another fitness friend to discuss fitness, nutrition and business ideas. She was a crossfitter, and I was fascinated with kettlebells. She gave me a thorough tutorial and I began investigating more of the kinesiology behind human movement as I made the decision to earn my Certificate as a Personal Trainer. Through true wisdom and grace, my friend suggested another woman join us whom she had recently met, who was also pursuing similar nutrition, kinesiology and kettlebell studies. This person quickly became my heart-sister as we journeyed in the same fitness, nutritional and spiritual direction.

About this time, I attended a TedX talk here in my hometown. While there, I experienced about a dozen talks and a few performances. One of the talks was given by a speaker who took me by the heartstrings immediately and led me on his journey from pain and suffering as a child to enlightenment through human movement as an adult. I could not get enough of his message, and forwarded the YouTube video to friends and family as soon as it became available, and I probably watched the video myself about a half dozen times. Other than this inspiring TedX talk, I didn't know anything else of him. but some in my circle of friends knew him and his interpretation of movement, Circular Strength Training(CST).

As winter began sinking it's icy fingers into our bones, my new heart-sister and I were made privy to a free demonstration of a class entitled 'clubbell yoga'. Another mutual friend had been invited and encouraged us to go. Immediately, I was drawn to 'yoga'. My conscience said, "I remember that! And you need to stretch more since putting down weekly yoga classes 2 years ago!" Fortunately, my subconscious didn't pipe up until a little later.

That first session was a full room of people from all different backgrounds. These were not long-limbed, willowy yogis. There were a few of those, but mostly I looked around and saw crossfit-type women, kick-boxing-type men, several average, every-day bodies and a few more corpulent bodies. It was a true melting pot! We struggled through, learning this new technique. Those of us with yoga backgrounds may have had a slight advantage, but there were others who were nailing the hand positioning and body movements employed while using a club (I found out later, their Tacfit and CST training was responsible for that).

I loved that first class. It was like a light had been turned on and I could see the dots connecting that had led me there. I bought a DVD and my instructor so graciously lent me the use of one of her clubs for almost 2 months until I finally purchased my own. I spent most of December trying out the DVDs, getting more comfortable with the movements, but many of them were completely unaccessible to me.

In January, I began taking regular clubbell yoga classes. I knew I was being drawn to it: mind, body and spirit. I sensed a key hidden within the practice that could help me unlock elements of my Self that I hadn't yet had a chance to experience. Sure enough, within the first 2 or 3 sessions, my subconscious rose to meet my consciousness and all the emotions that had driven me back in my previous yoga practice flooded me. I found anger, despair, pity, fear, deep sorrow and pain. And then... it came. I found strength. MY strength. I also found the seeds of self-love, waiting to be nurtured. The whole experience was overwhelming at first. But, I knew I was where I needed to be, and my journey had led me here. I understand that this is the work I need to be doing.

Since starting my clubbell yoga practice a short 3 months ago, I have become a greater Me. I am finding new elements of strength and flexibility in my physical body as I release old expectations of what I can and cannot do. I am meeting all facets of my mind, body and spirit and they are blending, working together synergistically and I am learning to experience all my emotions as they come up, as they are, honouring them, acknowledging them and loving them for their message and then releasing them. And I am starting to genuinely love myself. And I am finding all the beliefs I hold about nurturing and balance to be true. It's all coming together.

Freedom, Omens and Opportunity

I have the honour of meeting with a wonderful circle of women who, after only meeting together twice, I am feeling a bond developing. We are all there by choice and to support one another. Period. It's amazing. I barely know these women but they believe in me, and I trust them. We are real together, even as we get to know one another. It's beautiful. I wanted to recognize them in this post today, because I feel their support as I blog this.

I set this year's intention with the word "Freedom". This is the iconic word that I intend to create in each moment throughout this year, how ever the year may unfold. In tarot, my card for the year is The Tower, which if you are not familiar with this card, can appear quite frightening, like Lightning (which is my preferred interpretation from Joanna Powell Colbert's 'Gaian Tarot' deck). These two combined could be construed as 'omens' or 'opportunities', depending on how you look at them. In years past, I would likely have prepared for the omens with a wistful hope of opportunities. For me presently, it embodies a year full of 'wtf?!' moments and immediate opportunities to pick my "omen or my opportunity" and shift my thinking.

Personally, this has offered my partner and I the 'privilege' of digging into our communication styles so we can get to a place to be more 'real' with each other. It's not always the lighthearted fun times of our early courtship, but we are learning to navigate through the tough spots and come out on the other side, each time, holding hands and finding we are still united. It's been a lot of that lately, but in years past, I might have taken the 'omen' approach and assumed my relationship was going to fail and I would be 'free' from it.

Professionally, this has offered me the opportunity to focus on a dream that had begun germinating about 5 to 7 years ago and is very quickly finding focus.


Like a leaf at the edge of one of those big river whirlpools: It goes around so slowly at first and as the funnel narrows, it picks up speed, slowly at first, but then getting faster and faster and fasteranfasterandfasteran..... you get the picture? 

In years past, my lack of focus would find this overwhelming and I would find a way to talk myself out of my dream for various reasons. I would assume the 'omen' - that bad things would happen if I was too happy.

 ...and I'd drift on by, touching the edge of the whirlpool, maybe making a revolution or two, but never courageous enough to get pulled in this far. 

I have the opportunity to say 'yes please' to any opportunity I feel called to do, and know that I can engage in my life however it pleases me. With my Highest Purpose guiding my actions and decisions, I have little fear of 'omens' and embrace these many opportunities to craft a life I am proud of and that moves and excites me. It sounds a lot like religion, but I guess that's what confidence looks like to me.

First things first

The time between the Winter Solstice and Imbolg ('Groundhog's Day' for reference) is a time where I go deep into my psyche. I do a lot of journaling, dreaming, and general hibernating. This year was no different, and while I planned for the coming year, I came up with this idea of blogging every week for a year. I know, I know - I've started down this road before, but this time, I have a higher purpose: I want to write a book. I've had lots of ideas, but I need to practice writing, and see what fires me up, and then I can get clearer on what binds my stories together.

I already know that cooking, movement and the seasons will play major roles in my story of 2014.  The theme for this year's posts will be acquainting you with the theories behind why I make what I do. This may encompass things I learn about myself, books I've read and that resonate with me, podcasts I've heard that inspire and/or educate me, and other blogs and articles I read on the interwebs. But more than that, it will help you see the tapestry I weave with my health choices, from food, to exercise, to education to relationship development, etc. I want to share as much as I can with you, while still maintaining my friends' and family members' relative anonymity. So, forgive me if I'm vague on occasion, but know that the lessons I'm learning are the point, not the who/what/when/where of the matter.

My camera will attempt to keep up, because blog posts can get a little dry when there's nothing pretty to look at and punctuate the theme. My photos do not do the subjects I photograph justice, as the world is too vibrant for me to capture behind the lens. I prefer to be in front, or at least on the sidelines, making things happen, being a part of the action, or taking it in with all my senses. My eyesight is possibly my weakest sense, even with lasik surgery, although my hearing is starting to go, from years of playing live music, and likely some family history of degenerative hearing. But I digress...

So, for this, my first week of writing, I'll just dive in and share with you what's happening in my kitchen this week. Some stuff I post may be confusing, but my goal is to clarify in upcoming posts.

Today is Wednesday, February 5th. It's blisteringly cold outside (for this town, anyway) but the sun is shining like it's spring. We are prone to strong winds here, and they are making themselves known as well. I hate the wind, and being cold realllly does a number on me, so this is not my favourite time of year. However, my days go infinitely better if I can get a walk in first thing in the morning. So, thanks to my dear friend for knocking on my door this morning to encourage me to come out walking on the ol' trail with her.

Upon my return, I launched right back into this week's cooking projects. On the docket are recipes highlighting as many foods on my Phase One list as possible (See Alissa Vitti's book, WomanCode). Some of the foods listed in her book are not a part of my food plan, so I have a more specific list I keep on my fridge as reference, and also so my husband can see what phase I am in, and understand where I am at emotionally as well (although I don't know how much he uses this).

When I get into this cooking mode, I try to make at least double or triple batches of everything. That way there's some backup for when I'm not in the mood to cook (I believe I've written about this concept before). I whipped up a batch of breakfast bites for my boys (that'd be my husband and my 21 year old son who is staying with us while he goes to school full time). I was recently diagnosed with an egg allergy, so these were sadly not for me.

Avocados are on my phase one list, as are limes, so I made a simple guacamole this morning. Included were the following: 

  

Two avocados

1/2 c. cheap and chunky salsa

1/4 c. minced fresh onion

Juice of 1 lime

1 t. minced garlic (1 or 2 cloves)

1 t. jalapeno hot sauce (I don't really like my guac very spicy)

pinch of salt

dash of cumin

I slather this on just about anything, but it also is great as a dip for celery and carrots.

I also made a lovely barley and green lentil stew using this recipe from Food.com as a template: (click here) As always, I use what I have on hand, and err towards more simple flavours, as I tend to mix my recipes together later in the week (as you may see coming up). I used water because I was out of my usual bouillon recipe from one of my stand-by cookbooks that focuses on seasonal cooking.

Lastly, I made two chicken items: one was just 6 chicken breasts, brined in white balsamic vinegar and salt and then oven roasted with butter, fresh parsley, herbamare and smoked paprika. cooked at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes was perfect, as they were pretty thin pieces of meat.

The other chicken was made in the crockpot. The ingredient list is as follows (here's where I totally failed to take pictures!):

1 whole chicken fryer, cut up, skin removed

2 carrots cut in rounds about 1/2" thick

1 onion,  sliced in 1/2" rounds and quartered

 2 slices of celery

1/4 c. fresh parsley

2 c. white wine

filled to the brim with water

herbamare and pepper

I let that stew on low for about 10 hours, then on high for 2, then on low again for another 10-12 hrs. I just kept on going until the bones would disintegrate in my fingers. I then strained the broth from the big chunks. Once the chunks of meat and veg were cool enough to touch but still warm, I started the process of picking over the chunks. I pulverized the veggies, meat and bones, removing any chunks of bone that were not able to be pulverized between my fingers as well as onion and celery chunks that were too stringy to squish. I then added these chunks to the broth and stored in my 1/2 gallon jar in the fridge. I can use this to just boil veggies in for soup, I can mix it with the lentils and barley for another kind of soup, or drink it plain in the evening as a nourishing evening tonic before bed.

I suppose I could have put it all in the food processor, but when you're crushing bones, you really don't want those big chunks in there at all, so I find them better by literally kneading it between my own two hands.

I took breaks throughout the day to do clubbell yoga, do some housekeeping, take a shower, and do some bookkeeping. I'll be making cookies

Morning Walks

It was a long, rough summer for me, but here I am, staring down the barrel of Winter. The leaves have fallen, the weather is beginning to require at least a scarf and gloves, and I am spiritually in my hermit cycle. This is the time of year for deep thoughts. I spend time reviewing the year past to see what worked, what didn't, where I am now and where I want to go when spring pops her pretty head up sometime in March.

I recently acknowledged that I have gotten out of the habit of self-care. Mental illness does not take days off, so I have to be vigilant about making a daily commitment to care for my body, mind and spirit in one way, shape or form - however that looks. I am an early riser, regardless of time of year, what has happened the day or evening before, and regardless of time-zone. Without me-time first thing in the morning, I will still get up early, but I usually start right in on taking care of the house, making my husband lunches, cleaning up the messes we all left from the night before, and generally being of service. By about mid-morning, I get that all-too-familiar feeling of overwhelmedness and resentment.

A few weeks ago, I reintroduced the habit of going for a walk first thing in the morning and am reminded again, of the importance of getting in touch with my Self and my Purpose first thing in the morning. I love walks for many reasons, but let me share some impressions from my morning walk ritual:

Since moving into our house at the end of the lane, I have loved the fact that we live right on the railroad trail here in our town. It carries me to downtown in one direction, and the other direction takes me out to some of the most beautiful inner-city natural areas I know. This has become my happy place. Any time I am in nature, I find myself feeling more alive. The trail is the perfect blend of nature and community.

As soon as we moved in, I started running the trail at various times of day, but I found the morning-time is my favourite time to be on the trail. I have found my morning trail people to be an extension of community that I would otherwise not be a part of. These people are out there, rain or shine, walking their dogs, walking or running alone or in pairs, walking their children to school, walking to the grocery store, but they're all out there, doing the same thing I do. Some walk and talk together, some walk and talk on their phone, one man even walks with his transistor radio tucked into his pocket. I see the regulars biking to work, like I have done in years gone by, but the thing that has made the greatest impact is that they are out there, just like me. Although we each have our own agendas, be it simply getting from one place to another, or getting in touch with nature, or challenging our PR, we are 'out there'. We commune with nature and by extension, with each other.

By reintroducing this me-time, I have reminded myself of the essential, positive impact it has on my life. I reminds me to honour and recognize that on every level, my physical and mental health come absolutely FIRST. This was not always the case, and in this moment in time, the pull of other loved ones' issues compounded with my own battle with S.A.D. makes it particularly challenging to put myself first.

I spent many years putting others before myself. After all, isn't that the golden rule? But the reality is, I gave EVERYTHING away, and left nothing for myself. What I have finally learned and now BELIEVE is that I must keep myself running at top performance if I'm to be able to truly serve others. If I can spend even 30 minutes filling myself up first thing in the morning, I have so much more to offer others throughout the day. My perspective on what I can do, and what I need to do are much more balanced. I can say yes, and no, with grace and more ease than had I not taken that time to set my intention and remind myself of my purpose at the start of my day.

Morning walks or runs might not be for everyone, but I do believe that setting a specific time of day for focussed mental-health sessions and inner reflection will provide a framework to be able to stay grounded and focused on rocking your mission, whatever it is.

My Bulletproof Coffee and Fun With Meat

Today's post comes in the form of both recipe and running daily journal blog.  I have spent too much time trying to craft the perfect post and neglected the point of blogging (for me), which is to keep a running journal of my personal wellness journey with the intention of better understanding myself and inspiring others to enjoy the journey of creating a better life for themselves.

So today, I woke up before dawn to meet my fitness fanatic friends at BSC for some deadlifting. What an awesome way to wake up! I crawled out of bed at about 6 (only snoozed ... once?), made my bulletproof coffee with a simple recipe of:

double scoop of decaf coffee, ground for 15-20 seconds, and aeropressed.

Add to this enough hot water for about 14 oz, and toss it in the blender with 1 Tbsp. coconut oil and 1/4 t. chipotle powder

If I'm lucky, I'll add a couple drops of pure cacao mass and maybe a drop or two of stevia.

Once blended to a light mocha froth, pour in your insulated mug and sip.

I say insulated mug because much of the heat of the drink is lost to the blending, but it usually cools it down just to perfect sipping, swirling temperature. The heat of the chipotle adds to the warming sensation in the winter, and to give my circulation a boost.

Now, it's on to the rest of my day. I am working back towards planning my workouts more in advance, now that our lives have started to level out. For today, I would like to work out again, but I lifted heavy today and I get wicked DOMS, so I need to pace myself.

Since starting to actually lift heavy more often and using machines less, I am finding some interesting changes. It's all mixed in with elements of post traumatic stress from the turmoil of our lives this summer, but I suddenly gained 5 lbs this last (menstrual) cycle. My clothes are fitting tighter, and I don't like that, so even if it's muscle, I need to lean out just a touch. I am working towards that as well.

This is the season for me to be re-evaluating, setting new long term goals and reviewing the ones I am just not paying attention to, and adjusting them. This week, I've been practicing writing more stuff down and not using my phone as much. I made myself a perfect layout for all the things I want to keep track of, and I'm practicing with it, to be sure I've got all elements covered. That's enough for now.

---

It's mid-afternoon and I'm settling in to relax while I wait for my latest experiment to finish cooking. I have some cleansing soup that had been sitting in the fridge, which means nobody wanted to eat it except me. I also had 4 lbs of ground turkey that had been thawing in the fridge for the last 2 days and was ready to use.

I did what I usually do: I looked up a recipe for what I sort-of wanted and then started inventing. This is what I came up with. If you care to replicate it somehow, I'd recommend just using 2 c. cooked grain and and 2 c. cooked cruciferous veggies and onion/leek/shallots. My soup had cooked kashi, cabbage, onion, leeks and ginger/lemon/garlic spice.

4 lbs. ground turkey
4 c. cooked soup
5 eggs
1 whole onion, chopped
1/2 leek, chopped
1/2 c. oat flour (or you could use another kind of flour)
16 oz can of diced tomatoes in adobo sauce (Muir Glen)
1 c. tapatio
1 t. granulated garlic (or garlic powder)
2 t. cayenne
1 t. chipotle powder
heaping Tbsp. paprika
1 t. oregano
1 t. basil
Salt and pepper to taste

I could give you detailed instructions on the best way to blend the ingredients together, but half the fun is experimenting! If you need a couple hints:

• whisk eggs before adding them with anything else
• mix dry ingredients and wet ingredients separately before adding them together
• Just take off your rings, and get your hands IN THERE

Making meatloaf reminds me of when I used to make bread every week by hand. It is meditative and visceral and really brings that secret ingredient (you know... love!) to your creation.

I had so much meat, I decided to play a little:

I am ending this evening with snuggles and yummy tea.