Week 2 - Off Kilter and paralyzed by information.

This is a personal post about my own path and getting off track. I'll do my best not to whine, but I feel like it's important to share my experience with battling my impulses this weekend and on into this week. I am having a hard time focusing on my goal. What is my goal? Why do I feel it's important enough to give my effort to it? Why am I pushing/pulling myself so hard? 

My husband and I have each had our own big life lesson cycles this summer. I had no idea when I launched into the summer, that we would be entering this new phase of our lives. My experience was a month of of learning the 'dark side' of the fitness industry- mostly related to sales and the financial aspect of the industry, but also the one-sidedness of focusing on the physical body above all else. I came away from that realizing my body has a LOT to tell me about how I'm doing socially, spiritually and mentally, and that all the lifting, swinging and running in the world will not solve my feeling of isolation, and can actually sometimes feed my social anxiety as I become less 'average' than most my age. I am still sorting through it all, but I came away from that experience knowing my purpose is to help others heal, balance and optimize their lives and that I do poorly making my financial return the primary impetus for choosing how I make my way in the world. That said, I do like my lifestyle, so what's a girl to do? Flash forward to my husband's life lesson last week. MY role in his experience was to support him with all the tools I have at my disposal, which included massive food prep, mad telephone skills and the patience to listen (not-so) calmly as he shared with me his own lessons. It was also a very important lesson for me in offering suggestions, but not insisting things be the way I see them playing out. He made many important discoveries that, had I nagged, he may not have learned so profoundly. I also felt quite helpless as he spun out into places of fear and anxiety (which I struggle with daily in my own head).

Last week was 'get back on track' with the Whole30 while he was gone, but left to my own devices with my nebulous daily schedule, I have not made the commitment to Whole30 like I thought I would, and even my workouts have become hit or miss. Because my schedule has me 'playing house' most of the day, I would find myself repeatedly eating more than I need because I love to cook and I love to eat and every little inspiration or craving had me back in the kitchen feeding that love. However, I ended up also feeding my cravings as well as my loneliness and my boredom. As a result, I am feeling like I have failed myself in this latest challenge. Although I am staying away from alcohol, wheat and sugar, corn made an appearance this weekend, as did cocoa, and I again reminded myself that dairy doesn't serve me well in most cases. Corn is a definite 'no', but I have decided that for me, raw cacao, cacao butter and dark cocoa powder (raw, natural, etc.) is allowed, even welcomed into my diet - in moderation. I allow myself 2 t. cacao powder in my coffee in the morning and in my Paleo nuggets at night (two nuggets maximum!).

There's more to this exploration, though. I am fighting the line between obsessing about my food and wantonly eating with abandon. We are so fortunate to have a surplus of food most of the time, but the reality is that there is still a lot in our 'healthy' cupboards that may or may not benefit our overall health and that is what is most puzzling to me.

This morning as I once again woke up berating myself for 'not doing' what I thought I should, I realized that my parameters for what is 'good' is the thing that is driving me crazy. There is a point at which opposing information can paralyze a person. So here I sit, drinking Spark and Emergen-C (But it's laden with chemicals!) and cold herbal tea to calm my stomach after too much dairy (but it's pasture-raised whey protein!) and craving eggs (but many people are sensitive to egg protein - am I one of them?!) and thinking about what to prepare for our supper tonight (but our meat isn't pasture raised!... but it's free to us so we are not 'supporting' agribusiness... or are we?!).  All this whilst I watch the minutes tick away until I know I must do a workout (do I run or do I swing 'bells in my backyard?! Don't want to blow it all out because I have ladies night tonight!).

For the rest of the week, I am regrouping, reprioritizing and PUTTING TOGETHER A DAILY SCHEDULE. I need to let go of what doesn't serve me once and for all (Guilt, do you hear me?! This is your eviction notice!), and focus on my 'big rocks' to coin a Stephen Covey term (Check out the story behind the reference here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to-DyF3AL3o).

Sometimes taking a step back to regroup is what is needed. I feel like I haven't adequately regrouped so I am still shotgunning my approach to my health - I'm hitting a few things but overall I'm just putting a lot of random energy out there and making a bit of a mess. Time to reel things in, get clear, get focussed and build the life I want.

I welcome insights, suggestions and encouragement on Facebook or via email, but for the remainder of the week, my blog will be silent until I can be clear about my plan. This is an act of respect for myself and my goals. And your time, because who wants to read a big long post about failure every week?