My Journey to Clubbell Yoga

As a child, I experimented in several sports, from softball, to gymnastics, to track - until at the age of about 12 or 13, I settled on volleyball. I played volleyball for a few months during the begining of the school year, and played frequently with my youth group in the spring/summer. I was also very involved in the music program (I have deep roots in music). I don't remember exactly when the shift happened, but there came a time when I began really searching for my identity within my changing body.

At the same time, I succombed to the all-too-common issue of body dysmorphia, fueled by my interpretation of my mother's perception of her body (the mother-daughter bond was deep and complicated in my early years). I was reaching for that element of loving my physical Self but had few tools or examples available to me.

I remember getting turned on to the early morning program,  'The 20 Minute Workout', a quintessential 80's exercise show. I loved being able to start my morning with physical activity - waking up my mind and body at the same tempo, uniting them first thing in the morning to carry me through my day. It didn't hold my interest for too long, but I would inevitably come back to it from time to time throughout my teenage years. I also tried Richard Simmons - I loved his inclusive "you can do it" attitude - as well as one of the first Jane Fonda videos.

Fueled by access to this new way of being active, I continued my journey, taking a few step-aerobic classes but mainly buying more videos and eventually landing on a couple yoga videos that really sparked something more in me. There was a video by Rodney Yee (It may have been called Power Yoga) and another, led by Eric Schiffman and promoted by Ali MacGraw. These two videos, and a handful of others published under the Gaiam umbrella, supported and propelled me through some of the toughest times in my life. I remember coming back to them each time, as I worked through all the major life lessons I was experiencing. But each time, there would come a point where I would start going deeper than I felt I could handle, and the practice became a challenge rather than a blessing in my mind, and I would back away for a while until the thought of yoga became "new" again.

At some point about 10 years ago, a dear sister-friend of mine began her journey to become a yoga teacher. She encouraged a group of us to go to a yoga class with her, so for the first time, I experienced group yoga. It was definitely a different aspect of the yoga practice. There were things I really loved about it, but I found other elements bringing up feelings of frustration and anger. At the time, I didn't have the tools or knowledge to deal with my emotions, and after attending her classes regularly for a few years, I slowly found those challenges coming up and those unpleasant feelings would tap my shoulder at every practice. I started missing classes and about two and a half years ago, I very quietly slipped away from yoga.

I spent the next 2 years diving into weight training. I met and hired a personal trainer, my nutrition was getting 'dialed in' and I was fascinated with my personal trainer's experience in bodybuilding and fitness competing. I loved the fact that I was becoming physically stronger and finding there were things I hadn't been able to do since my teens. I felt and looked better than I had in my entire life! The doors were opening up for me to step into my own Self, into my innate Power. And I felt there was more out there. Like the Fool beginning his Tarot journey, I was filled with hope and naivete ...

I began meeting with another fitness friend to discuss fitness, nutrition and business ideas. She was a crossfitter, and I was fascinated with kettlebells. She gave me a thorough tutorial and I began investigating more of the kinesiology behind human movement as I made the decision to earn my Certificate as a Personal Trainer. Through true wisdom and grace, my friend suggested another woman join us whom she had recently met, who was also pursuing similar nutrition, kinesiology and kettlebell studies. This person quickly became my heart-sister as we journeyed in the same fitness, nutritional and spiritual direction.

About this time, I attended a TedX talk here in my hometown. While there, I experienced about a dozen talks and a few performances. One of the talks was given by a speaker who took me by the heartstrings immediately and led me on his journey from pain and suffering as a child to enlightenment through human movement as an adult. I could not get enough of his message, and forwarded the YouTube video to friends and family as soon as it became available, and I probably watched the video myself about a half dozen times. Other than this inspiring TedX talk, I didn't know anything else of him. but some in my circle of friends knew him and his interpretation of movement, Circular Strength Training(CST).

As winter began sinking it's icy fingers into our bones, my new heart-sister and I were made privy to a free demonstration of a class entitled 'clubbell yoga'. Another mutual friend had been invited and encouraged us to go. Immediately, I was drawn to 'yoga'. My conscience said, "I remember that! And you need to stretch more since putting down weekly yoga classes 2 years ago!" Fortunately, my subconscious didn't pipe up until a little later.

That first session was a full room of people from all different backgrounds. These were not long-limbed, willowy yogis. There were a few of those, but mostly I looked around and saw crossfit-type women, kick-boxing-type men, several average, every-day bodies and a few more corpulent bodies. It was a true melting pot! We struggled through, learning this new technique. Those of us with yoga backgrounds may have had a slight advantage, but there were others who were nailing the hand positioning and body movements employed while using a club (I found out later, their Tacfit and CST training was responsible for that).

I loved that first class. It was like a light had been turned on and I could see the dots connecting that had led me there. I bought a DVD and my instructor so graciously lent me the use of one of her clubs for almost 2 months until I finally purchased my own. I spent most of December trying out the DVDs, getting more comfortable with the movements, but many of them were completely unaccessible to me.

In January, I began taking regular clubbell yoga classes. I knew I was being drawn to it: mind, body and spirit. I sensed a key hidden within the practice that could help me unlock elements of my Self that I hadn't yet had a chance to experience. Sure enough, within the first 2 or 3 sessions, my subconscious rose to meet my consciousness and all the emotions that had driven me back in my previous yoga practice flooded me. I found anger, despair, pity, fear, deep sorrow and pain. And then... it came. I found strength. MY strength. I also found the seeds of self-love, waiting to be nurtured. The whole experience was overwhelming at first. But, I knew I was where I needed to be, and my journey had led me here. I understand that this is the work I need to be doing.

Since starting my clubbell yoga practice a short 3 months ago, I have become a greater Me. I am finding new elements of strength and flexibility in my physical body as I release old expectations of what I can and cannot do. I am meeting all facets of my mind, body and spirit and they are blending, working together synergistically and I am learning to experience all my emotions as they come up, as they are, honouring them, acknowledging them and loving them for their message and then releasing them. And I am starting to genuinely love myself. And I am finding all the beliefs I hold about nurturing and balance to be true. It's all coming together.