My spiritual tradition* involves following the cycles of the seasons as closely as possible, in mind, body and spirit. One of the most important times of the year for me is the time from about the Autumnal Equinox (in late September) until sometime around my birthday in January. During this time, I recap what I've learned from my experiences, how it's affected my life and the lives of my loved ones, how to integrate this knowledge into my reality, and begin to lay the groundwork for the coming year.
As I celebrated my 42nd birthday this past January, I knew** this year would bring amazing and wonderful changes to my life. Yet, my year just seemed to plug along in the usual fashion: working, my partner working more, working out, running a home and continuing to bio-and eso-hack my life*** . By late spring, I started to get antsy. I challenged my partner to a mud race and we did it, but I didn't feel that moment of 'aha. THIS is it!' that I usually get when completing a challenge. So I kept plugging along. Work was a struggle with significant barriers to being able to do the work I do best in that kind of office position, and I was becoming bored with most of the things I enjoyed. And then ... things started to change.
I got laid off in June. It wasn't a huge surprise and I was a little sad to see that chapter end, but again, I knew** that things were finally taking off. I was looking forward to a couple months of unemployment benefits to keep us financially afloat, and I could really dive into where I should put my efforts next. Time off work would allow me to take care of some lingering projects at home and perhaps do some travelling and adventuring. Maybe my big break was finally coming - so I could finally start my career path without the lingering hassle of a 'pay the bills' job.
As it turned out, I was almost immediately offered the opportunity to work full-time in the field of health/wellness. I gave up my opportunity to collect unemployment and revel in summer, only to realize the job I took was, a) not what I expected (we'll just leave it at that), and b) not worth the effort for the measly paycheck I got (which was barely more than I was making at my previous part-time job!). It appeared that I had taken a risk that landed me right on my ass. But I learned from it and put most of the negative aspects from that experience behind me.
I spent what was left of my summer trying to cram as much of the 'fun stuff' that I had originally planned into the remaining weeks of sunshine and long-ish days. My partner and I went camping with friends and family, we biked, we hiked, I lounged in the sun and read up on whatever I wanted, and kept a house going, which I manage to both love with a passion, and hate with a hot, flaming, impotent rage. Meanwhile, my partner's life was being turned upside down and we spent the final weeks of summer and into the first weeks of autumn working to get to his breakthrough.
So here we are in October as things are finally manifesting. It looks as if a move is imminent, I will be going back to the full-time 'Office Space' job, and my partner will be the one with a completely new career. Yep, the big career breakthrough I saw turned out to be my husband's, and my biggest lesson this summer has been all about learning to love my inner-self and to hold joy as my guiding light.
I will admit, my gusto and adventurous spirit from earlier in the year has taken a bit of a blow due to events of this summer/autumn, and today I hit a real feeling of helplessness. One thing I'm finding is that I have a lot of anger and frustration around 'having' to go back to work in a field I am not passionate about, especially when I AM so passionate about other fields. I want to compare my experience with my husband's for justification, but that no longer serves me. I am realizing I have become a person who is living intentionally. I have all the power in my reality, and 'have to' or 'want to' has little relevance when I know that my highest purpose is to find joy. I have goals and plans and visions for my future, but if my steps toward that make my every day miserable, then something has to give.
I am finding a lot of clarity in this moment of vulnerability. Life is too precious for me to wallow for too long. I am learning to feel my feelings and just be with them. When I can feel them clearly and then look with love and acceptance for the source, I usually find them being held by a younger woman, a girl, or even a baby that was once my reality. But I'm 'through the veil' and I can now turn and offer love to my younger Self and remind her that she is loved and she is safe. All is well. And let that feeling go.
I'm not sure yet what next year will bring, but as things shift, we will find our way. I will keep moving forward, my partner and I will wrap up this year's intentions and actions, we will celebrate in the darkest months, and as spring begins to emerge, we will be onto our next set of adventures.
Health and Wellness continues to be my passion, so I will continue to share what I learn both intuitively and scholastically. But I'm open to whatever that looks like.
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* Spiritual, as opposed to religious.
** Knowing in the intuitive sense. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intuitive_knowledge
*** Many people know what bio-hacking is, (it's learning new information about health/wellness and trying things on yourself to see if they work for you), but I do the same with my inner/spiritual life, hence the term eso-hacking. (thought my daughter might like that invented word)
