Week 2 - Off Kilter and paralyzed by information.

This is a personal post about my own path and getting off track. I'll do my best not to whine, but I feel like it's important to share my experience with battling my impulses this weekend and on into this week. I am having a hard time focusing on my goal. What is my goal? Why do I feel it's important enough to give my effort to it? Why am I pushing/pulling myself so hard? 

My husband and I have each had our own big life lesson cycles this summer. I had no idea when I launched into the summer, that we would be entering this new phase of our lives. My experience was a month of of learning the 'dark side' of the fitness industry- mostly related to sales and the financial aspect of the industry, but also the one-sidedness of focusing on the physical body above all else. I came away from that realizing my body has a LOT to tell me about how I'm doing socially, spiritually and mentally, and that all the lifting, swinging and running in the world will not solve my feeling of isolation, and can actually sometimes feed my social anxiety as I become less 'average' than most my age. I am still sorting through it all, but I came away from that experience knowing my purpose is to help others heal, balance and optimize their lives and that I do poorly making my financial return the primary impetus for choosing how I make my way in the world. That said, I do like my lifestyle, so what's a girl to do? Flash forward to my husband's life lesson last week. MY role in his experience was to support him with all the tools I have at my disposal, which included massive food prep, mad telephone skills and the patience to listen (not-so) calmly as he shared with me his own lessons. It was also a very important lesson for me in offering suggestions, but not insisting things be the way I see them playing out. He made many important discoveries that, had I nagged, he may not have learned so profoundly. I also felt quite helpless as he spun out into places of fear and anxiety (which I struggle with daily in my own head).

Last week was 'get back on track' with the Whole30 while he was gone, but left to my own devices with my nebulous daily schedule, I have not made the commitment to Whole30 like I thought I would, and even my workouts have become hit or miss. Because my schedule has me 'playing house' most of the day, I would find myself repeatedly eating more than I need because I love to cook and I love to eat and every little inspiration or craving had me back in the kitchen feeding that love. However, I ended up also feeding my cravings as well as my loneliness and my boredom. As a result, I am feeling like I have failed myself in this latest challenge. Although I am staying away from alcohol, wheat and sugar, corn made an appearance this weekend, as did cocoa, and I again reminded myself that dairy doesn't serve me well in most cases. Corn is a definite 'no', but I have decided that for me, raw cacao, cacao butter and dark cocoa powder (raw, natural, etc.) is allowed, even welcomed into my diet - in moderation. I allow myself 2 t. cacao powder in my coffee in the morning and in my Paleo nuggets at night (two nuggets maximum!).

There's more to this exploration, though. I am fighting the line between obsessing about my food and wantonly eating with abandon. We are so fortunate to have a surplus of food most of the time, but the reality is that there is still a lot in our 'healthy' cupboards that may or may not benefit our overall health and that is what is most puzzling to me.

This morning as I once again woke up berating myself for 'not doing' what I thought I should, I realized that my parameters for what is 'good' is the thing that is driving me crazy. There is a point at which opposing information can paralyze a person. So here I sit, drinking Spark and Emergen-C (But it's laden with chemicals!) and cold herbal tea to calm my stomach after too much dairy (but it's pasture-raised whey protein!) and craving eggs (but many people are sensitive to egg protein - am I one of them?!) and thinking about what to prepare for our supper tonight (but our meat isn't pasture raised!... but it's free to us so we are not 'supporting' agribusiness... or are we?!).  All this whilst I watch the minutes tick away until I know I must do a workout (do I run or do I swing 'bells in my backyard?! Don't want to blow it all out because I have ladies night tonight!).

For the rest of the week, I am regrouping, reprioritizing and PUTTING TOGETHER A DAILY SCHEDULE. I need to let go of what doesn't serve me once and for all (Guilt, do you hear me?! This is your eviction notice!), and focus on my 'big rocks' to coin a Stephen Covey term (Check out the story behind the reference here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to-DyF3AL3o).

Sometimes taking a step back to regroup is what is needed. I feel like I haven't adequately regrouped so I am still shotgunning my approach to my health - I'm hitting a few things but overall I'm just putting a lot of random energy out there and making a bit of a mess. Time to reel things in, get clear, get focussed and build the life I want.

I welcome insights, suggestions and encouragement on Facebook or via email, but for the remainder of the week, my blog will be silent until I can be clear about my plan. This is an act of respect for myself and my goals. And your time, because who wants to read a big long post about failure every week?

Day 2 - Slow re-adjustment

Yesterday was a stressful day for me personally. I had a lot to do and a lot on my mind. However, I managed to keep to the eating plan. I actually ended up stretching my eating times out so I 'missed' a meal. However, I did not have an intense workout in the mix - I went for a run, but no heaving lifting, so that 5th meal wasn't necessary.

I ended up with an empty tank at about 8:45 or so, and woke up this morning feeling really well rested, but the body is stiff and sore. I had a massage yesterday, which helped but today is a pilates/yoga/walk day instead of the originally planned strength training day.

Foodwise, I've come up with some interesting combinations. In the fridge right now are the following READY TO EAT items (everything is homemade):

• Chicken breasts
• Whole chicken meat - deboned (mostly...)
• Almond milk
• Cooked collard green leaves, ready for wraps
• Roasted sweet potato, zucchini, carrot and onion topped with roasted beets
• blueberry vinnaigrette
• roasted strawberry vinaigrette
• ginger mayonnaise (the ginger was a happy accident - I grabbed it instead of mustard!)
• A HUGE bruised kale salad with shredded carrot, slivered red onion and cabbage
• Salmon Burgers
• sauerkraut
• chai tea
• boiled eggs

I think there may be a few other items in there I'm forgetting. However, today was a low-energy day. I am pretty sore and detox-y, so just a brisk walk this morning and some pilates this evening. It's been a tough day foodwise and a lot of old demons came back this evening but my last meal of the day had protein and was all Whole30 approved, so I stayed on track in that respect, and that's enough for today.

Next Chapter, Day One, Whole30 Paleo Lean-Down

Blame it on my creative and dramatic mother, but I like to imagine my life as a grand drama, played out in scenes and acts and chapters. This latest chapter comes after a fairly quick but deep shake-up in my world. I was laid off just as I was thinking it was time to make my next step, but not sure what that step was. I managed to land what seemed like a great transition job right out of the gate, transitioning from office admin-type work into the fitness/coaching realm. After literally dropping EVERYTHING that gave me strength, pleasure, meaning and purpose to put all my energy into the new job, I realized what I'd done: I'd given up all the things that gave me strength, pleasure, meaning and purpose for a job that was hollow and misguided. Fortunately, I have a phenomenal support system and I reached out into the Universe and pulled myself out of that mess after only a month of my life sacrificed to that important life lesson.

The stress of that energy shift and tidal wave of stress took its toll and many of my healthy habits that keep me running strong in body, mind AND spirit went by the wayside. Last week in my first week as a self-proclaimed housewife and life-coach-in-training, I did a double soul-retrieval (for the extra woo-woo out there), regrounded and just got back in touch with my body-mind-spirit feedback loop. I had to clean out a whole mess of guilt and shame over 'failing' so profoundly and using psychic alchemy, transform my 'failure' into a poignant and profound teachable moment for my Self. I did some edible soothing and claimed every bite of chocolate, every sip of wine and every handful of chips. Towards the end of last week, I met with my amazing think-tank of fellow women coaches-in-training, had some acupuncture done and started planning my re-entry into Healthy-land. (I've got to think of a better name...)

I made my friend, Shasonta's AMAZEBALLS cleansing smoothie yesterday (check it out at shasonta.wordpress.com) and cut out coffee and conventional sugars. Today it's a slow farewell to dairy and fruit sugars. You see, I forgot that little nugget when I was making my smoothie at 6am and tossed a 1/2 a banana and whey protein powder into my smoothie. I'm also weaning off the Flax milk I have as I feel it has too many additives for my version of Whole 30. The goal this time around is a bit different. It's a bit more specific.

While I truly appreciate and will continue to adhere to as much of the Whole 30 principles as possible, I want to blend it with what I have learned and what I love about the science of my own body. I love being able to track and measure crap. Maybe it's the OC tendencies or just keeping my monkey mind busy, but I believe this is a crucial way to bridge people from the idea of having to count calories and eat low fat to a more whole foods approach to losing weight AND gaining life-long health and fitness. In essence, I'm developing my own 'product'. This experiment will become my template for my Transformational Life Coaching packages. But I'm getting off on a tangent. Back to today....

Today, on day one of the "Whole 30 Paleo Lean-Down"(tm) , my whole body is messing with me - head to toe (literally). I am suffering the physical karma of eating crap for the last week. I am bloated, my elimination (aka: poop and pee) schedule is all over the place, my joints hurt and I have severe brain fog. But above all, my focus is to stay focused on my goal (performing a bodybuilder style lean-down using Whole30 principles) while practicing radical self-love. I am also using chinese medicine's food recommendations to help get things back in balance. This is very specific to my current issues and since I'm not well-versed in chinese medicine, I'll leave commentary on those food-choices to other blogger, writers and scientists.

I am documenting my food intake at MyFitnessPal.com and on Tumblr, I am posting weekly full-body shots of me in some shorts that I bought juuuust as I started gaining weight (about 6 weeks ago). Yes, I gained about 15 lbs since my last Whole30, and it is doubtful that much of that is muscle gain, although I managed to limp along with my workout routines. My workout routines can be found at Fitocracy.com under the username LullabyMoon, too, for the whole enchilada.  This is serious, folks!

Next up: Morning Walks and HALTing