Spring Challenge - Feel Your Fear and do it Anyway

I'm sure you have all seen the 'Winter Challenge' that was going around last month (at least in my hometown of Bellingham). My dear friend decided on the last day of winter, to revamp it as she 'called out' her friends' names to challenge them with her version of the challenge. She made a beautiful speech and the ultimate take-away is the title of this blog post. And do it within 24-48 hours. I was one of the 'lucky' ones called, and I floundered with it for a bit. Eventually something sort-of percolated that resonated with all I've been dealing with over the last several months:

How is my attitude about my body holding me back from other parts of my life?

I have always wanted to do a photo shoot to 'show off' my muscles and my overall fitness, but I always said I would do it after I attained some arbitrary weight or shape goal, as if taking the photos was the reward. What I am finding is that it was the thing that was distracting me from goal. My goal is to move pain free, with synergy between mind, body and spirit. Well guess what, pictures don't do shit for getting me there. Neither does waiting to be proud of my physical image until some event in the future. All I have seen in photos of myself is an indelible image of failure to achieve what I think I should look like. I could write a lot more on this subject, but my point I need to make RIGHT NOW, is that RIGHT NOW is when we are living. NOW. So I need to get right with my body RIGHT NOW or I will never move forward. So I'm a couple days late on my challenge project, because that was a lot to digest in 48 hours.

My dear friend, and challenger of this project, came over today and we talked through my pictures a bit. It felt horrible, and also releasing - to hear myself berate the woman on the screen, even if half of what I was saying was in my head because I am ashamed to say those horrible things out loud. I would NEVER do that to other people, or if I did, I would certainly make my words positive and empowering. The words and feelings that came up as I looked at those pictures of myself were angry, sharp, bitter and demeaning and it made me feel sad, small, dark, cloying, and like I was suffocating. It sucked me under into an OLD cycle of self loathing. I say OLD cycle because I am releasing that cycle. It doesn't serve me or my purpose and mission in life.

My work is not done there, but I have already come so far. So today, I will talk about what I absolutely love about these pictures I selected.

Yogi: The philosophy of yoga has been my spiritual guidance system for many many years. It has only been in the last six months that my yogic practice has brought a glimpse of the nirvana I have only experienced unintentionally in the past. I'm learning to create my flow experience and unite my mind, body and spirit on a consistent basis, starting with clubbell yoga, primal human movement and kettlebell zen. Deepest gratitude to my teachers and guides, both in this world and the other(s). I hope you know who you are.

And from the actual photo, I love that you can see my determination and focus in my gaze, the flare of my wet and muddy toes, and the twisting deathgrip I have on my clubbell, my focal point in my meditation.

Balance & Strength: These are concepts I've been working actively to incorporate into my life. This is also a pose that eluded me for many many years. I was first coached to a successful crow in a yoga class about 3 years ago, led by my first real yoga facilitator (teaching by inspiring) and heart sister. Shortly after that success, I stepped away from yoga for personal reasons, mostly because I was not prepared for the awful feelings of not deserving my success that came up for me. NOW, I see this photo and realize how simple this pose is once I remember how to be completely in my body and 'feel the plumb line' around which my balance circles.

From the photo, I see my blessed tattoo that represents deep connections to my children, and to the spirituality that I found as a mother. And it's beautifully positioned over my bulging deltoid, for which I have worked tirelessly to strengthen and shape.

Hanging Goddess:  I once had a necklace that looked like this, so naturally this one reminds me of the goddess within me that I owe all love and respect to. If that description doesn't resonate with you, consider it the God-spark, Holy Spirit. Or imagine I am ripe fruit (or a beautiful flower) blossoming beautifully in and with nature. 

From an aesthetic standpoint, my form is good: legs zipped, toes pointed, lats flared, skin shimmering and bronzed (good thing I went tanning and used my sparkly lotion! I'll have to remember that for next time!)

Laughter: I don't know when I stopped laughing with abandon, but I suspect it was early on in my childhood. Certainly by the time I reached college. 'I put away my childhood toys and became a (wo)man' to paraphrase an ancient, religious text. I have lived my life in fear of being too happy - that I don't deserve it.

I call bullshit. Everyone has the RIGHT and the RESPONSIBILITY to seek true happiness and love. I am entitled to it, and it's right here for me to access at any time. All I have to do is reach for that feeling of love, lightness of being and connectedness.

I am safe. I am loved. All is well.